Like many self-published writers, I’ve been unhappy/dismayed/puzzled at Amazon’s removal of ratings and stars from Also Boughts’ listings, but I might be having a change of heart–I was just looking at the Also Boughts for my most recent novel, One Right Thing, and realized something very refreshing: every title looked as interesting as any other.
Seattle–(BUSINESS LINE)–April 1, 2013– In a not-entirely-surprising move, online retail giant Amazon.com, Inc. (NASDAQ:AMZN) announced today that it had moved its publishing model beyond the distribution of paperback and digital books and has bought its customers’ ability to read.
“It’s really just a natural progression of both Amazon’s technological and business goals,” said Ravi Bharathi, professor of neuroscience at Stanford University and author of the now redundant book, You’re Worth What You Know. “Why bother with fussy New York city publishers and clueless retirees uploading their memoirs about vacationing on the Jersey shore when you can cut right to the chase and just buy a stake in your reader’s brain?”
Asked if this bold new initiative by Amazon threatened to impose a debilitating monopoly over other book merchants such as Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Inc., and Smashwords.com, Bharathi appeared confused and said, “Who?”
An inside source at the Seattle technology company’s research and development division in Seattle, Washington has reported that the customers’ innate ability to read will be monetized by a small digital device mounted on the top of the user’s head. Dubbed the “Thinkle™,” the device will calculate how much the user would typically read based on past purchases, conduct a small electrical charge to the pleasure/pain centers of the brain to simulate the act of reading, then automatically deduct a fee ranging from $.99 to $9.99 from the user’s bank account.
“No muss, no fuss,” the source said. “You’ll never run out of space. Unless you have a tiny brain. And it gives a whole new meaning to ‘side loading.’”
Asked if the Thinkle™ would charge for a simulation of what were formerly free books on the book seller’s site, the source replied, “Of course not, they were free. Besides, nobody ever read them anyway.”
Wall Street technology forecasters have predicted that the only real competition for “brain space” would come from Apple, Inc., makers of the hugely successful iPhone and iPad line of products.
When reached for comment, however, Apple CEO Timothy Cook laughed. “Worried? Not really. We’ve been piping music into people’s heads since 2002.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, currently conducting an archaeological dig on the surface of Mars, could not be reached for comment. Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone.
To celebrate the season and get 2013 off to a rousing start, I’m setting a slew of my titles on Amazon to “free” at different points over the next week and a half.
If you like crime fiction, fantasy, psychological suspense, and dark humor, you might just find a favorite in the list below. Please pass it on to friends and family!
Finding Emma | 12/25 – 12/27
one bad twelve | 12/25 – 12/27
Seven Into the Bleak | 12/25 – 12/27
Assassin | 12/26 – 12/28
The Sword of Kings | 12/28 – 12/30
Three the Hard Way | 12/29 – 12/31
Three of a Kind | 12/30 – 01/01
Three on a Match | 01/02 – 01/04
Happy reading and have a safe and joyful holiday!
I’ve embarked on a number of low-cost, (hopefully) high-impact advertising ventures to boost my book sales. Over the next few days and weeks, I’ll examine what I’ve done and try to draw lessons and conclusions from the experience. First up…Goodreads!
Goodreads advertising currently comes in two flavors: tiny, highly-affordable self-service ads and large-scale page campaigns coming in at massive cost (when asked about “premium advertising offerings,” Goodreads replied that, unless my budget was over $5,000 per month, I was likely to be more interested in their self-service option. Well, no shit.).
For obvious reasons, I’ll only talk about my experiments with their self-service advertising.